A cup of tea at midnight

I sit alone at midnight, the television providing background noise but failing to catch my interest. CLICK! The kettle has boiled, the biscuit tin calls to me, it’s time for a brew. I often tweet or write on my blog in the small hours, partly due to mild insomnia, partly because I find it easier to think when I know that most other people are asleep. It gives me a greater sense of being alone, enabling me to observe from a distance and reflect on the days events. Well today, something happened that I can only describe as epiphanous, a moment of realisation and clear understanding that shook me to the core. It wasn’t political, it didn’t involve my brelationship with my ex, or my children and it wasn’t about money or work or any of the major issues of life. A family friend, a woman in her sixties who drinks far too much and doesn’t take her medication properly asked me to find out if I can become her official carer. She had her own epiphany recently, while I was helping her to clear out the belongings of her deceased only child. He died in november, throwing her into a downward spiral of drinking herself towards oblivion. On friday morning she asked me to go into her sons room and start bringing his clothes downstairs This was a major event for her, having refused to even open the door since his demise. As I began the task, she gripped my hand tightly and said,”I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I? I’m letting him go, because I know he won’t be back”. I told her that, if she felt ready to do this it was the right thing to do. And that’s when it hit me, when I realised I needed to let go of the past, to put away the ghosts of history and walk towards the future. So I made a decision, one that I’ve avoided for many years. I’m going to contact my worthless, alcoholic father and tell him that I no longer hate, but pity him. He and his attitude to family life is at the root of my own mental health history, I’ve spent years hating him, not realising that the bitterness that built up inside was the thing that was causing my own insufferable behaviour. It’s time to let go , put it away where it belongs. In the past! I’ll let you know how it all works out. First I have to track him down.